Again, remember the boys

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Image result for deray davis sexual abuse

I had an acquaintance once.

(I use ‘had’; we lost touch)

He considered himself something of a ‘sexual expert’. (Whatever that means)

Whenever we were in social gatherings, in the company of friends, his voice was the loudest. He would always make much ado of how early he began his conquests, and beat his chest on how he ‘scored’ the family help when he was just shy of twelve years old.

The family help was nineteen.

He would be cheered on, amidst refills being poured for him, and would continue recounting his ‘exploits’ from then on till date.

I never really thought much of him at the time. Or his conquests.

But I have found myself remembering his stories more, in the face of the recent scandals revealing past sexual harassment and abuse by high profile persons. 

Ours are interesting times. It is almost as though we wake up each day, waiting for the next news scandal, the latest being Russell Simmons.

This only represents - (perhaps) on a mini-scale - the evolving culture of speaking out against past abuse.

(Seems like the chicken is finally coming home to roost)

One thing I have noticed however from these revelations are that the majority of the victims who have come forward, as having suffered sexual harassment or abuse are women.

This could point to two things (which are not necessarily mutually exclusive):

1. That more women have suffered sexual abuse, than men. Or,

2. That men are just not as forthcoming as the women in speaking about abuse which they have suffered.

It is easier for one to tend to the former, and conclude that the absence in revelations by men of the abuse they have suffered is because the incidence of sexual abuse being inflicted on males is far lower than incidences of sexual abuse inflicted on women. After all, women are touted to be the “weaker vessel”, and are more prone to be preyed on.

(“Weaker vessel” is discussion for another day)

But what we often fail to acknowledge is that males are equally prone to be abused, and incidences of sexual abuse against males is far higher than is reported, or that we know of. It is a misconception that that is only females who can be victims of sexual abuse or harassment, and they alone should be protected.

Let us begin with children.

 Males abused as children may not even recognise the fact that what has occurred to them in their childhood constitutes abuse. Granted, they do not possess hymen to be broken, which probably offers some explanation for why sexual acts they may have experienced as children is not easily recognised for the abuse that it is.

Sadly, such acts are actually some form of abuse, and are not the ‘stories’ of early conquests which they are made out to be in adulthood, by sheer ignorance or wilful blindness.

Like my former acquaintance. The “sexpert”.

This trauma of child sexual abuse suffered by males is captured by popular actor, Deray Davis, who recently shared in a video interview with Vlad TV the trauma of his being sexually assaulted in his childhood, at 12, by women who were his mother’s friends.  

Image result for deray davis

Asides such acts of abuse from persons of the opposite sex, male children may also be subjected to abuse by adult males. While sexual acts are more easily identifiable as abuse in this case, it may be more difficult to easily suspect that such acts are even occurring.

And even as adults, males may be undergoing sexual harassment, without recognising it for what it is. This is because over time, society has engineered the mind to believe that the man is always “in charge”.

So that (in the case of harassment by the opposite sex), a female superior may be taking advantage of her male subordinate, while he quite ignorantly interprets it as her falling under the captivation of his sheer awesomeness.


Or, having recognised it for what is was, the subordinate may be unable to speak out, due to the “shame” of admitting to have been sexually harassed by a woman.

The point is that even as we become more aware of the innate unkindness of human nature, we should not subconsciously presume that it is only females who have to survive this unkindness.

No human is immune to sexual harassment. Or sexual abuse.

Even as we equip our female children to easily identify potential acts which may lead to molestation and speak out against same, we should do same for our male children.

We should teach our male children that there is no shame in shaming abusers, and speaking up against invasions of their bodily integrity. Otherwise, we may continue to perpetuate a culture of silence, thereby raising the next generation of men to be silent in the face of sexual abuse or harassment, or to hide the pain of their trauma behind feigned ‘conquests’. Thereby, beating their chests to ‘stories’ which should rightly constitute Police statements, helping to put child molesters behind bars.

Sexual Abuse is Sexual Abuse. No one should have to go through it.

Not even the men.



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  1. As a kid I was abused by a relative. Male. He dead now. I was hoping to confront him sometime in the future but he died last year. I still feel stupid why I didn't call him out then. It's a part of my past I blanked out and never talk about and I've never talked about with anyone. I was naive and I know better now and won't let my kids or any kid around me go through that ordeal. This things happen and it be people close to you. Crazy.

    1. Oh my!! Wow! Thanks for sharing.

      It's good you're taking the positive in it and ensuring that others are protected.