Surviving 'cannibalism' in this economy

Monday, June 20, 2016

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There is a story in the Holy Bible. Of women eating babies.

2 Kings Chapter 6 has it that the land was besieged. Famine abounded. Hunger was the way of life.

Two 'resourceful' women struck up a covenant; "We eat my baby today, we eat yours tomorrow" they planned.

(They probably reasoned they could birth more babies later. I gather that those days, women were so fertile that they conceived when male folk sneezed)

The story has it that Baby A belonging to Woman A was eaten by both women on the first day. On the second day, Woman B hid her Baby B.

The Contract was breached. Kasala burst.

(Humans reneging on their word. No be today e start. *Sigh*)

The broken contract was tabled before the King.

The King wept...that things had gone this bad. People had become not just cannibals, but heartless cannibals

(Wait...there are 'heartful' cannibals...right? I mean, it must take extra stone in the heart to eat a micro-human)

I had always detested those two women. I could never understand what kind of suffering someone would contract to eat a human birthed from their womb.

I could never forgive these women.

That is; until this weekend.

(Dear future husband, calm down. It's not what you think. I won't eat our children)

Let me rephrase: I still don't get eating humans, but I think I am beginning to gain understanding of the type of economic inabundance, which would make your thoughts wander...prance into unprecedented territory. In hopes of survival.

For the first time in my life, as an adult, I genuinely feel: THINGS ARE TOUGH.

This hardship is not of the texture I encountered when I was jobless, houseless, carless; I could blame my status then.

But I thought I had moved up the economic ladder. And generally felt settled.

More recently, that 'settledness' has turned into some uneasiness, status regardless.

(Who status epp?)

It is as though some goblin occupies the same room my bankers keep my salary account. My used-to-be-enough income appears to suddenly shrink into inexplicable oblivion.

It finally made sense to me on Saturday. I clearly understood that the cost of living had actually more than doubled. (Forget deceptive economists telling us inflation had gone up only 15%)

I almost cried leaving the market. My car trunk would ordinarily be full, with the amount of money I went to market with. That day, the foot of the passenger side was barely filled.

Let me not get started on the fuel hike. What would usually take you a whole week and some days with N5,000 is now about N11,000 for a week.

Anyone who does not feel this 'suffering' should be investigated by EFCC. They are part of the people who used our reserves to cook rice and beans, with Sir Dasuki, et al.

(Even your Madam with her private jet is feeling it. Just thank your God she has not sacked you..yet)

So I called the community in my head for a serious meeting, sat 'us' all down, and had a talk with us for these hard times. I set the ground rules for navigating these times:

-          If you do not ABSOLUTELY need it, do NOT get it.

-          If you must borrow to get it, you do not absolutely need it. Do not get it.

-          When you carry your car key, stop. Look into the mirror, ask yourself: “Where are you going???”

If that place will not generate money, will not make you healthier, or contribute to the afterlife you look forward to, SEET DAN!

-          If you have not bought your ticket via travel deals from over 6 months ago, you must not travel for any summer. After it not summer all year round in your country??

-        All those downloads that swallow your internet, and makes you spend excessively per month, ngwa...pause. If you get bored, go back to your stack of Agatha Christie and James Patterson.

-    Improvise! Improvise!! Improvise!!! You have won the 'yoruba woman' of the year award for cooking stew with only fresh tomatoes and ata rodo. Ok...Uncle 'Gote is hoarding all the fresh tomatoes (they said it, not me)... tomato paste will not kill you. Just add your ata rodo, boil it long enough, and remind yourself that you are missus cook. The stew will taste the same.

-    Still on food, you can use your efo riro for EVERYTHING. This government cannot harbor a pot of banging efo and a pot of stew in the same house; at the same time.

My beloved whom I am well pleased
-    You are already watching your weight. Your clothes won't tear. Keep rocking them. 

-      Just keep driving past that suya joint. Your efo is waiting for you at home. Shey you're watching your weight, ehhn??

Our brainstorming session was fruitful, long and short of which is to cut down on unnecessary spending.

In other news, we heard the CBN finally floated the Naira. (Halleluya… ish)

My first instinct was panic: when the Naira ‘unfloated’, the cost of the dollar was so high. What would happen now??

But I've been reading a lot, most of which seem to provide some comfort that things will ease up pretty soon.

I cannot reproduce all of the economic jargon: some things about Foreign Exchange Professional Dealers (a.ka. the Dollar big bois); volatility of the Naira in the first few days, before ascertaining its true value; our economy being pumped with more money...eventually.

It is well.

(You too should read up on all the grammar. Knowledge is power)

What I know is: if we could survive the scary-as-shit regime of that dark-glasses wearing uncle that they said apple killed;

If we could survive "20 miserable pounds for all your millions";

If we could survive 1.5 cups of water to bathe and three spoons of garri to soak as a day's meal in boarding school;



And we won't eat our children.

Kam dan.


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  1. No, we will not eat our children. Tufiakwa!

    We can't. And like you have pointed out, we have seen worse. We survived.

    There is a weird smile my face bears each time I read you. It's a healthy smile. I like it.

    Luxury is beautiful but the adjustments that we currently make with our spend will leave us more beautiful and maybe, improve the quality of the thoughts of an average Nigerian. I like to think so.

    Daalu nne.

  2. Kodi AghaegbunaMonday, June 20, 2016

    Lmao @ woman B hid her baby B

  3. Kudos Nelo!!! Well said and so on point

  4. You've said it all. Bottomline is improvise and being able to differentiate between need and want especially at this critical economic time. Hopefully things get to fall in place as the year goes.